Through working with my therapist, I realized that I had been emotionally numb for a good many years, like, probably most of my life. Yeah, that’s a weird expression, but it’s what I called it, because it kinda made sense, right? Two years ago, memories returned of childhood sexual abuse, memories that had been completely out of my conscious mind for almost 50 years! It was terrifying and shocking, not only that the abuse happened, but that it came into my mind like “volcanic puke,” meaning that it came that fast, and tasted that bad. But while I was seeing therapist #3, I was finally able to express - in color - the shifting flavors of emotions I was feeling inside as I worked through my recovery. Therapist #1 said “just read novels, then you’ll understand emotions.” I couldn’t connect with drawing my emotions with therapist #2.
It took me not one, not two, but three therapists to be able to start connecting with my emotions. First, I didn’t even understand that thoughts, feelings, and emotions were three entirely different things - I honestly thought they were just different words for the same thing! I did eventually learn they are related to each other, but each is distinct. It has been a complete roller coaster in epic proportions - at least for me it has. I am on this emotional journey to healing, at least that’s what I’m trying to convince myself of.
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